JOKE MENU (English)

Excellent Grades

When Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school.
Her dad told her to sit down and tell him all about it.
She said, "Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!

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Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked, soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room. What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work, " the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked" the mother-in-law exclaimed. this is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained, "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravishes me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress." she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing." he said, "What's for dinner?"

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SUPERBOWL TICKETS

A guy is sitting on the 50 yard line waiting for the Super Bowl to start when a man asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "That seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would not use a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't attended together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else ? a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat? " The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

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What's for Dinner?

I have change my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie." However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes. If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waitng.

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Daughter´s Birthday

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for $19.95

Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

Surprised, the father asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson answers: "The Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car,

Ken's House,

Ken's Boat,

Ken's Furniture,

Ken's Computer and...

One of Ken's Friends."

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The Coma

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. "When I got fired, you were there to support me." "When my business failed, you were there." "When I got shot, you were by my side." "When we lost the house, you stayed right here." When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?""What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."

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Laundry

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back,
"Texas A & M."

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Say, why did the foreman fire you?

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

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Two Doilies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married, " she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

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Keep Your Seat

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat, " and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

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Late To Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

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More Words

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." The husband said "What?"

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Lawyers and Computers

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

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No Talking

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused. "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

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Fifty-Fifty

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."

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A New Kind of Car

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car, " his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."

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CIA Job

A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet, Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

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Did She Threaten To Kill You

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?" "No." "Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?" "No." "Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer."Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"

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Coffee Dilema

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

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Water Symbol

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

JOEY: "H I J K L M N O"

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

JOEY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

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Angry Neighbor

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his neighbor storms out of the house straight to the mailbox, opens it, slams it shut and storms back in. A little later the neighbor storms out and does the exact same thing again, before storming back in even more red-faced. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, out the neighbor comes again, marches to the mail box, opens it before slamming it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by the neighbor's actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is!" the neighbor replied. "My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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A New Record

A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

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Pizza Pie

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

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Smart Mom

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.

"Why," asked the little girl.

"Because it´s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."

The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"

Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."

The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"

"Yup," said the mom.

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Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.

The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that that was good.

The chemist said that his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

They all agreed that that was the most impressive of all.

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Too Good to Be True

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale $50."

The next day someone stole it.

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Driving Test

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

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Computer Airliner

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

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Sherlock

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

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Jealousy

The guy approached a beautiful looking woman in a mall and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the mall. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."

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